You Have a Chance to Win!!

In Remembrance: The “Rod” gang of University High School, circa 2006-2009. Some respondents were given honorary positions in The Rods for the purposes of this article. The gang gained fame for their sighting of a cryptozoological rod [Google them, they exist] in 2006.

Whelanpedia is looking for self-nominations for the Ed Van Bueno Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. The award includes an all expenses paid trip to the notorious “Bachelor Pad” in Tempe and a signed swimsuit calendar of the Whelanpedia editors. Tell us why you deserve to win:

S. “Therod” Van Bueno, Seal Dealer, Wherever the Deal Needs Seals: I’ve been at the forefront of all the biggest hits of the Internet. “Chocolate Rain” was written by me, Rebecca Black was my idea, Nyan Cat was me before it went mainstream, and I stole Han Solo’s pizza before Darth Vader did. I do owe every ounce of myself to the genetic generosity of my better half, but my excellence should speak for itself.

William “Ramrod” Thoman, Beard Model Emeritus, Ireland: To men, excellence is measured in women. To women, excellence is measured in beard thickness. Put those together, add my Revolutionary swag, and there is one clear solution: that award is mine.

E. “Roderic” Spiro, Goat Hurrdurr, New Jersey: I think my previous contributions to this website show my commitment to the finer things in life. If GTL in New Joisey isn’t the epitome of excellence, I don’t want to keep wearing so much hairspray, I don’t want to be orange anymore, and I don’t want to keep wearing these awful turtlenecks, gawddammit.

Al “The Rod” Eichelberger, Math Tycoon, Arizona: Excellence is measured in radians. Converting from degrees is hard, but I make it look easy. My appreciation for the colors, as shown by my record-breaking 10 marker performance during a Precalculus class in November 2007, shows my commitment to the arts. I may not have the bod of E. Danger Van Bueno or the hair of A. Dare Whelan, but my excellence in the classroom isn’t a math problem that needs solving, it’s a lifestyle that needs rewarding.

Levi “No Rod” Wolf, Unemployed, Germany: My life has always been one of excellence. At age 5 I completed my first reading of Rawls, at age 7 I ate 3 batteries, at age 13 I first proved the Earth is actually flat, and now at age 20 I should win the AOAFE. The only constraint on my excellence is my ego, and I need this award if I’m ever to bring more excellence to the world than this beautiful website.

K. “Lightning Rod” Byrne Keller, Boisterous Chinese Man, China: To quote Socrates: “A life unKellered is not worth living.” This is why I do everything I do: from founding the payday loan company Sigh Debts, to being Asian, to making small children cry. Everyone deserves a slice of Keller dripping with excellence in their life, even you Whelanpedia.

Daniel “Phishing Rod” Fried, Linux Hippie, The 2000s: Herp Derp Derp.

Zachary “CTURod” Matthew Mark Ezekiel Jones Beauregard Besich, Southern Pluralist, Alabama: My life has been full of adversity. A boneheaded moment left me to wander around Stanford University alone at a Model United Nations Conference, a girlfriend caused me to miss shotty snipers in Halo 3, and a facefirst fall at the Wreckart house left me embarrassed in the middle of the absurd teenage hooligan game “Street Wars” in front of all of my friends. This award could turn my life around, and my achievement in the field of excellence is easily seen in my World of Warcraft account.

Taylor “Stealer of Hats Rod” Brandy, Drummer, California: Excellence is determined by how many things you get away with. I’ve been “banging my dick around” ever since I can remember, and I’ve never even been called out on Oprah. That’s excellence right there, in every sense of the word banging.

Vaura “Curtain Rod” Ban Luren, Lawyer, Texas:

They say excellence is measured by whom you inspire. My brilliant, smart, talented, path breaking, voluptuous, charismatic, charming, suave, selfless, omnipotent, opulent, strong, philosophical, hardworking, outgoing, wise, look-a-like, persnickety, 4-eyed brothers no doubt live in my shadow. Their excellence makes this my award, and my award is their envy.

Alex “Lil’Rod” Whelan, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona: Where do I begin? The Arizona Daily Star heralded me for my big-time voice, and Whelanpedia called me “The fly Malcolm X, buy any jeans necessary.” In case that isn’t enough, my doctoral thesis proved that puffer fish in Costa Rica do not explode at low altitudes, and I was once barked at by a stuffed dog being held by the great economist Garbara Bray [editor’s note: we confirmed that this did actually happen]. Excellence is all around you folks, and its initials are AJW.

Allison “Cranium Rod” Craylor Tole, Sounds Like Crazylor, Boston: This website is sexist. Whelan and Van Bueno are misogynistic pigs that only care about the good life of Kanye West. Giving me the award would show Whelanpedia’s commitment to female excellence, even though my sandwich making is lackluster at best and lusterlack at worst.

What Do You Think?

In a recent tweet [editor’s note: previous “What Do You Think” resolved], President Barack Obama has asked for advice to help spice up his marriage. Your thoughts?

Fran Died, FATNOOB, Arizona: Women like men who write stuff about them. Poems are great, but Java programs are tres romantique. What woman wouldn’t love a stack underflow that returns “Error: There isn’t enough of you in my stack.”

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Lion Trainer, Kenya: He just needs to add some women-friendly music to his repertoire. No woman can say no to a man singing “Lollipop” by Mika or “Too Little, Too Late” by Jojo. Some *NSYNC may be in order too, but I’m not sure Obama has the flamboyance of JT and Co.

Zacharias Booty Besich, Swamp Person, Alabama: Women love a manly man. Nothing is more manly than a gator huntin’, beer drinkin’ Southerner. It worked for me, it worked for Colonel Sanders, it’ll work for Barack.

Wene Goon, Go-Getter, Arizona: Obama just needs to spend some money on his wife. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but once in a while a girl could use a big fucking diamond.

Ez “Badonkadonk” Ra, Turtleneck Model, New Jersey: I’ve found that women can’t resist a man with some sexy spectacles. True, I’ve got the bod and the charm to back it up, but some hip glasses would take Barack a long way.

LJW, Unemployed, Germany: Women are drawn to the intellectual. The ability to prove Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems or discuss Kant has gotten me many phone numbers. They’ve all been from men, but I’m confident Barry’s spunk could take him into the female arena.

W. “Bitch” Thoman, Televangelist, Ireland: Chivalry is dead, but the revolution lives on. How sexy is a man with a fidora? Extremely, especially if he holds the door for his lass.

Azzy “Yew” Kent, Bartender, Australia: Women dig a sensitive, caring man who will just listen. I’ll send my mate Barry a 12-pack of Foster’s, and he’ll be ‘yewwwwwing’ in no time.

Alex Wheelin’, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona: Honestly, women love a blogging man with a big time voice. Ever since I started Whelanpedia, women have thrown themselves at me. Also, my hair is fantastic, not to pander myself.

God, Deity, Everywhere: Why did Whelanpedia have to come back? Does anyone really still read this crap?

There you have it folks, ironclad advice on how to keep the ladies interested. As for yours truly, I’ve never seen a woman not be attracted to the neckbeard-ponytail combination. I guess I’ll leave such things to the professionals, though.

Who ARE the Wailin' Wolves?

If you haven't heard the names Levi-John Wolf and Alex Whelan with regards to music lately, you must live under a rock. The duo's newest indie project, The Wailin' Wolves (get it? Take the last names and change the spelling a little bit, you'll get it!), has generated quite a bit of buzz lately with the leak of what is being regarded as their new single, "There". While Wolf was not available to comment for this article, Whelan wrote us an email stating, "Please please PLEASE do not illegally download this song-I speak on behalf of the band when I say we are TRULY honoured to have generated such interest in our new music, but I hope that as our fans you will respect the fact that this song 'There' is not a completed product yet, we have quite a bit of work to go on it and what I sent Levi, the song that has been leaked, was only a very early draft. We sincerely hope that you continue to support our music, but again, filesharing is for sissies. Sincerely, AW."

Having originally gained notoriety for their influential caffeinated road-anthem group The Kingsfoil two years ago, Whelan and Wolf nearly dropped off the mainstream radar, with Wolf dabbling in top-secret classical compositions and Whelan eschewing all recognition for his work with The Kingsfoil in favor of garage-revival groups like The Pros of Con and Minus Gibb with friend/leader of the E's Stan "Buddy" Hall. Rumors have been flying ever since the informal hiatus of The Kingsfoil in late 2009 about jam sessions between assorted members of the band, the much-publicized drunken correspondence between drummer Taylor Brady and Whelan about "drop[ping] out and become f*cking rock stars, man" amounted to nothing more than a false hype, a highly anticipated Whelan-Thomas Shipley collaboration never materialized, and time seemed to erode any memory of the massive impact The Kingsfoil had in the Tucson caffeinated road-anthem scene. Fortunately for us fans of The Kingsfoil's sole LP, 2008's Don't Be a Bitch, this new Wailin' Wolves project seems like it might herald a second coming of the men we said were the "Heroes of the Big-Time Generation" way back when DBAB first dropped. One thing's for sure-if "There" is any indication of what's to come from the two in the future, we hope they just drop the charades, drop out of school and become rock stars again. Dear messrs. Whelan, Wolf, Brady, Shipley: it's time for you to RAWK again!

-Pitchfork News

Review of "UHS" Thanksgiving Special-Its a hit!

Reunion shows have a history of being terrible. I refer of course to shows like the infamous "BRADY REUNION" and the countless Happy Days specials that simply recycle jokes and lack original and riveting content. Let me start by saying that the "UHS: Thanksgiving Special" that premiered last weekend, is anything but tacky. It covers the old cast throughout a wacky weekend of tearful reunions, chaotic revelations, and oddly gaping absences (I refer of course to the mysterious non-inclusion of series regular Taylor Brady, more on that later) that picks up right where the gang left off last season with Eric and Scott Van Bueno up at Arizona State University with Levi Wolf, Alex Whelan at The University of Arizona with William "B0xb0x" Thoman and Zach Besich, and the countless recurring characters who almost all had a chance to shine in this special one hour feature.

The episode begins with Alex Whelan in Tucson, AZ meeting up with Levi Wolf at a Starbucks where they have a classic conversation, the kind that "UHS" was famous for, including jokes from international internet haet machine "4chan" and discourses on George Bernard Shaw. From there it follows Alex as he treks across town to meet Eric and Scott Van Bueno at fan-favorite Jon Kroc's house, and the show executes the big moment carefully with a moment of comic suspense that I'd be willing to bet drew a short breath from every member of the 950,000 viewing audience the show got on Sunday night. The show is going to be rerun every night this week on BET for reasons unknown to this reviewer, but regardless of the odd choice (not saying that black people are odd or anything, its just..well..come on, now...) for a broadcasting home, the reunion extravaganza is worth the price of admission. And considering its free provided you have cable, I'd advise you watch the show.

Highlights Include (but are not limited to):

-A crossover special with the hit BET show "The Besichs" when Eric, Alex, Levi, Thoman, and returning out-of-stater Allie Cole join recurring characters Alison Treister and Hayley Hall at Zach Besich's self-described "bitchin new pad, yo!" Serious card playing ensues.

-The Thanksgiving Dinner of All Stars as the Alex joins the entire Van Bueno and Besich families for a dinner of epic proportions featuring surprise guests that show up later for the annual Black Friday Camp-out (I won't spoil anything!!! But it's Kevin High and Kyle Bauserman.)

-Exciting Mario escapades featuring Levi, Alex, and Zach that will have you on the edge of your Nintendo-sponsored seat!

-The climactic meeting at Allie Cole's house on everybody's last night in town that holds some secret revelations for Levi!

and much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much more.

*Watch "UHS:Thanksgiving Reunion" on BET every night this week!*

What do you think?

President Barack Obama has pledged to pay off the US’s estimated $11trillion debt by merely “playing a shit-ton of Rock Band on Expert” and using the money his band makes virtually to pay off the debt. Your Thoughts?

Garbara Bray, Economist, Arizona: “Preposterous. The President, like the general population, merely needs to understand that the most cost-effective way of doing anything is by forcing the marginal cost to approach 0. This can be best accomplished by mass producing products of high utility to most [editor’s suggestion: Disney Animal Crackers] and simply extorting China into buying them.”

Zachary Mark Beauregard Besich, Crane Operator, Outta this World: “My suggestion, subsidize a world-wide free trial of World of Warcraft. This is what would happen: people would forget about real money, thus transferring the Worldwide Currency System to the “Gold” Standard of WoW, making me quite happy, even if William Jennings Bryan would hiss in his grave.”

Lauren Van Bueno, Student, Texas:“I love Rock Band. I just hope eminent domain doesn’t apply to Band names; I’m sure the President has his eye on my band name: 'Barack and the Husseins.’”

Ezro Spira, Senior Prosecutor, Arizona: “ We got this guy to plead to Murder 2. Im sure with a little evidence tampering China can be convinced into admitting we have paid all of our debt. Else I might have to go medieval on their heiney.”

John J. Johnson, My Sim, LOLville: “Thank god I’ve only got between 2 and 4 SimDays to live, as an International Super Spy, I wouldn’t want to have to clean up the President’s messes. Plus, what is this ‘Rock Band,’ and is it ‘Social’ or ‘Fun’?”

Levi Wofl, Famed Talking Point Person, Germany: “I don’t think ‘Rock Band’ is really the best way to fix our debt. We really should just use Ro-Sham-Bo or something sophisticated like that. That’s how it’s done in the Senate. And on the Street.”

Wolfgang, Unknown, California: “Rock Band is like macaroni and cheese. After a while, its just not so great. I think we should churn out USA hats and just go crazy. Plus, we all know the President won’t be able to play Expert, he just doesn’t have the hairdo required. (I can be used as a model for the perfect Rocker hair style.)”

As for this editor, I think we should just add a zero to all of our currency. Since no one would notice, inflation would be of no consequence. As my favorite twin once said, “ I’m just gonna go get an apple. I’m sure the market will sort out the rest.”

What do you think?

In a recent press statement, President Barack Obama stated he will either be getting a Facebook or a Twitter, depending on the vote of the people. Opinions?

David D. Davidson, Elevator Operator, Nebraska- “Facebook. Enough has already been placed upon this country with a puppy in the White House. Change has already come to America, a Tweeter for a President would just be too much.”

Alex Whelan, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona- “Twitter. Its ridiculous to presume that there would actually be a legitimate profile for anyone on Facebook, other than Michael Phelps’ that is. Plus, if the world knew we were led by a Twittering President, it might forget we have a Teetering debt. I don't wanna be that guy, but that was quite the pun.”

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Pizza Chef, Arizona- “Facebook. I know I would add Barack to my top friends. Its also harder for me to zealously stalk on Twitter, and I can’t not know what the President is up to.”

Admiral Ackbar, Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance Fleet, A Galaxy Far Far Away- “Facebook. Twitter’s servers can’t repel spam of enough magnitude. It’s a trap!! The Empire is attempting to reveal the location of our hidden rebel base.”

Levi Thoman Wolf, Unempoyed, Germany “Twitter. If you think about it, the President won’t use Gitmo for torture anymore, so why would use Facebook to coerce the expanding middle class into bilateral submission. Plus Twitter is so much more ballin’ than that Facebook shit.”

God, Deity, Everywhere- “Twitter. If I have to be everywhere at once, I should at least get updates from Mr Obama’s Blackberry, which I think he will be getting back in an odd, unpredictable twist of fate.”

Sasha Obama, Princess of the United States, Washington D.C.- “Facebook. I don’t want my daddy seeing me flirting with the Prince of Wales on Twitter. Plus I don’t think he ever does anything interesting enough to be published on Twitter.”

Jonathon Kroc, Living Statue, Amsterdam-“Why the fuck would the President get either? I mean like, he should just get a Xanga like true White-Collar Illinoisians.”

Arnold Palmer, Drink Experimenter Extraordinaire, Pennsylvania, “Twitter. My reccomendation, as a pro golfer turned drink marketer, is to remember that Facebook is unaccesible on the golf course, while Golfer Tweeters are just as popular as my drink. Which I recommend to all who read this.”

That’s 4 to 4. We need your feedback to tilt the scales, or else the President may just turn to a morning talk news radio show in lieu of his foreign agenda.

Responses:

Emily Besich, Pro Gamer, Alabama- "Ok, NO. The president should just get a WoW account like everyone else, join my guild, and let history take the wheel. Facebook and Twitter are so boring, they beg the question: 'To Taste Time or to Lick Life?'"

Troy Muffin-Puffin, Cell Phone Photographer, Arizona- "Honestly, as the only commentor for this article, I feel that the president should get a Facebook account. Twitter would take up too much of his time as he must take a few seconds to update constantly. A facebook is much more relaxed.

Thats a 5-4 Facebook lead, maybe there is hope for the World.[of Warcraft]

Cast of popular MTV reality show "University High" moves on after four years of intense ups and downs

Its finally here-the triumphant yet overwhelmingly sad end to one of the greatest reality television shows MTV has ever put upon its airwaves. The live series finale, set to air on May 21st at 7 p.m., details the graduation and swan song for the cast of the tween sensation "University High School". For those of you who have lived under a rock for the last four years, "University High School" focuses on the real-life high school students Alex Whelan, Eric Van Bueno and twin Scott Van Bueno, as they grow and deal with situations that over the last four years have involved the tv show 24, girls, ice blocking, and who could forget the wacky summer spin off series "Whelanpedia" in which the three of them created a fake online encyclopedia. As the cast has both grown and dwindled over the last four years, the show has always maintained a certain level of realistic yet heartfelt integrity, the kind that could only come from following three intelligent and hilarious teenagers around through their adolescence. We've seen heartbreak, we've seen embrace, we've seen old friends go their own way, we've seen new friends become fan favorites by the audience of approximately 1,000,000 people per episode have tuned into each week, and now with the three musketeers finally graduating, we hope it will be a fitting yet powerful end.

Star Alex Whelan came by to spill the beans about what you might see when you tune in on May 21st and about what might become of the cast of "UHS: Senior Year", the latest and final saga of this chapter of these young men's lives. 

"We hope that it will depict the real life hardships of graduation, unlike that bullshit High School Music thing" says Whelan, 18, a lifelong Disney Channel Original Movie hater. "You'll get the scoop on everyone from Laura (Van Bueno, graduated sister of Eric and Scott who had a regular appearance throughout the years) to maybe an old friend thought lost (Editor's Note: perhaps fan favorite/genius dropout Kevin High? Stay tuned!). But one thing's for sure: we won't lose the spirit of the show. The show has always been about depicting our lives as realistically as possible and with as many true-to-life friends and characters as possible."

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Highlights include:

-Eric and Scott prepare for a road up to Tempe, AZ, to attend Arizona State University. Are they ready to face the challenges of living so close to Cardinals Stadium yet still having so much work to do? Are they far too busy and important to care about work? (Spoiler: Yes)

-Alex suits up to move across town to the University of Arizona Yuma dorm to room with fan-favorite Jon Kroc, self-described "Kramer" of UHS, but is he ready to take his music career to the next level with bandmates Levi Wolf and Taylor Brady leaving Tucson? (Editor's Note: Whelan mentioned something about Thomas Shipley being involved with the much-rumored next season of UHS, to feature this year's juniors and seniors, which suggests a "Kingsfoil Reunion Special" could occur on the show next season)

-Levi has always wanted to be Oliver Wendell Holmes, but does he have the lulz and the courage to make the ultimate transformation to Courage Wolf? When Levi stopped by the studio for a quick chat before his concert in Germany between his piano lessons and Site Council meeting and picking up his brother Atticus, fan-favorite, he had this to say about if he has any worries about his future: "Lol nah, has anyone really ever been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

-Zach Besich has never wanted anything more than to be loved and respected by his sister Emily, but now as the fall semester at the U of A looms, can he work his way into her heart as they room together? (Editor's note: Zach and Emily Besich have already been signed to their own "The Osbourne's"-style show appropriately titled "The Besichs" which is said to focus heavily on the dynamic between brother-sister combo Zach and Emily and their relationship with up-and coming little brother Matthew Anthony Ezekiel Jones. "The Besichs is set to premiere on September 5th on BET)

-Taylor Brady brought a real air of tragedy to the show this past March when he was knifed in an off-camera hiking accident that nearly led to a rift between the rest of the members of the show, but now that he is set to attend Stanford, can he overcome his crippling accident and regain his confidence from a level of near-vanishment?

-Allie Cole has been a part of "UHS" from the beginning, and has steadily moved up to being a full-time cast member due to her trademark "LEEEVI" and quick-witted sarcasm that surrounded Levi and Scott in their English class this season, but is she ready to accept that she will never be a true Van Bueno like Alex? (Spoiler: Probably not)

-William "Thoman"/"Jojo"/"Oxox"/"Thurman" Thoman, the token-yet-infinitely-dynamic-anarchist-but-actually-communist has always been thought of as "adorable" and "priceless", but can he live with the idea that Ireland is not the dominant force of world culture, much less American culture? (If you like Thoman on "UHS", be sure to check out the exclusively online web-series "Good Ol' Boys with Shillelaghs", the 5 part mini-series comprised of Alex and Thoman beating people with their traditional Irish walking sticks)

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  Yes, it truly is the end of an era, with some of the best moments from the entire run of "UHS" coming this season at the hands of such unforgettable characters as Parker "Porker" Dunbar and Dave "Massah" Herring, and classic one-liners from perennial mainstays Gene Woon and Leiba Schuneman, responsible for the much-acclaimed "Phi and the Pie" episode of late last winter which detailed the climax of the multi-episodic arc about Schuneman and UHS senior Phi Tran as they battled amongst each other for control of the classroom. Lines from the show such as fan-favorite Bryan Topp's trademark "FUHHH" (who is single-handedly credited with reviving the popularity of the Quake Video Game series through his exposure of it on the show) have become pop-culture staples. Yes, "UHS" has had a good run, with the third season (See: "UHS:Junior Year) that dealt with girlfriends and the troubles of growing up even winning an Emmy for "Best Television Series, Bar None". But it may not be over quite yet, as explained by Alex in the second part of his classy yet laid-back interview with us.

Whelanpedia: "I don't want to be that guy, Alex, but your hair looks fantastic"

Alex Whelan: "Its alright, I get that alot. Trust me. *laughs out loud*"

WP: "So we hear there may spin-offs? Another season, perhaps, with some of the non-seniors this year?"

AW: "Haha, well, there's the rumors...and I'm not going to lie, many of them are true. I mean Zach is doing his show in the fall, and we've talked about being friends next year a couple times, so I think its safe to say I'll be in on that to an extent (Editor's Note: "The Besichs", premiering September 5th on BET). And I mean, Levi's already been signed to a multi-book deal, so in a way that will continue the mystique of the show for fans of Wofl (Editor's Note: Levi's highschool nickname)...

WP: "And what about characters like Ezra Spiro, Colin Garand, Thomas Shipley, even the now-infamous Scott Boling (Editor's Note: This is of course referring to the much-publicized schizophrenic breakdown Sophomore Scott Boling had months ago on the show regarding the psychological torture he endured at the hands of his split personality, imaginary twin brother "Eric David Boling")? Will the fans of these guys just have to leave empty-handed?"

AW: "There have been talks...all of the people you've just mentioned have been contacted one way or another by MTV about continuing "UHS", as a sort of tribute to Eric, Scott, and myself, you know...to keep the show going, keep it alive. For us. I can't say for sure if there will be another season or not, but I assure you that if there is to be another season, I'd sure as hell watch it!"

*Watch the Series Finale of "University High School" premieres at 7 Pacific Standard Time on MTV*