You Have a Chance to Win!!

In Remembrance: The “Rod” gang of University High School, circa 2006-2009. Some respondents were given honorary positions in The Rods for the purposes of this article. The gang gained fame for their sighting of a cryptozoological rod [Google them, they exist] in 2006.

Whelanpedia is looking for self-nominations for the Ed Van Bueno Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. The award includes an all expenses paid trip to the notorious “Bachelor Pad” in Tempe and a signed swimsuit calendar of the Whelanpedia editors. Tell us why you deserve to win:

S. “Therod” Van Bueno, Seal Dealer, Wherever the Deal Needs Seals: I’ve been at the forefront of all the biggest hits of the Internet. “Chocolate Rain” was written by me, Rebecca Black was my idea, Nyan Cat was me before it went mainstream, and I stole Han Solo’s pizza before Darth Vader did. I do owe every ounce of myself to the genetic generosity of my better half, but my excellence should speak for itself.

William “Ramrod” Thoman, Beard Model Emeritus, Ireland: To men, excellence is measured in women. To women, excellence is measured in beard thickness. Put those together, add my Revolutionary swag, and there is one clear solution: that award is mine.

E. “Roderic” Spiro, Goat Hurrdurr, New Jersey: I think my previous contributions to this website show my commitment to the finer things in life. If GTL in New Joisey isn’t the epitome of excellence, I don’t want to keep wearing so much hairspray, I don’t want to be orange anymore, and I don’t want to keep wearing these awful turtlenecks, gawddammit.

Al “The Rod” Eichelberger, Math Tycoon, Arizona: Excellence is measured in radians. Converting from degrees is hard, but I make it look easy. My appreciation for the colors, as shown by my record-breaking 10 marker performance during a Precalculus class in November 2007, shows my commitment to the arts. I may not have the bod of E. Danger Van Bueno or the hair of A. Dare Whelan, but my excellence in the classroom isn’t a math problem that needs solving, it’s a lifestyle that needs rewarding.

Levi “No Rod” Wolf, Unemployed, Germany: My life has always been one of excellence. At age 5 I completed my first reading of Rawls, at age 7 I ate 3 batteries, at age 13 I first proved the Earth is actually flat, and now at age 20 I should win the AOAFE. The only constraint on my excellence is my ego, and I need this award if I’m ever to bring more excellence to the world than this beautiful website.

K. “Lightning Rod” Byrne Keller, Boisterous Chinese Man, China: To quote Socrates: “A life unKellered is not worth living.” This is why I do everything I do: from founding the payday loan company Sigh Debts, to being Asian, to making small children cry. Everyone deserves a slice of Keller dripping with excellence in their life, even you Whelanpedia.

Daniel “Phishing Rod” Fried, Linux Hippie, The 2000s: Herp Derp Derp.

Zachary “CTURod” Matthew Mark Ezekiel Jones Beauregard Besich, Southern Pluralist, Alabama: My life has been full of adversity. A boneheaded moment left me to wander around Stanford University alone at a Model United Nations Conference, a girlfriend caused me to miss shotty snipers in Halo 3, and a facefirst fall at the Wreckart house left me embarrassed in the middle of the absurd teenage hooligan game “Street Wars” in front of all of my friends. This award could turn my life around, and my achievement in the field of excellence is easily seen in my World of Warcraft account.

Taylor “Stealer of Hats Rod” Brandy, Drummer, California: Excellence is determined by how many things you get away with. I’ve been “banging my dick around” ever since I can remember, and I’ve never even been called out on Oprah. That’s excellence right there, in every sense of the word banging.

Vaura “Curtain Rod” Ban Luren, Lawyer, Texas:

They say excellence is measured by whom you inspire. My brilliant, smart, talented, path breaking, voluptuous, charismatic, charming, suave, selfless, omnipotent, opulent, strong, philosophical, hardworking, outgoing, wise, look-a-like, persnickety, 4-eyed brothers no doubt live in my shadow. Their excellence makes this my award, and my award is their envy.

Alex “Lil’Rod” Whelan, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona: Where do I begin? The Arizona Daily Star heralded me for my big-time voice, and Whelanpedia called me “The fly Malcolm X, buy any jeans necessary.” In case that isn’t enough, my doctoral thesis proved that puffer fish in Costa Rica do not explode at low altitudes, and I was once barked at by a stuffed dog being held by the great economist Garbara Bray [editor’s note: we confirmed that this did actually happen]. Excellence is all around you folks, and its initials are AJW.

Allison “Cranium Rod” Craylor Tole, Sounds Like Crazylor, Boston: This website is sexist. Whelan and Van Bueno are misogynistic pigs that only care about the good life of Kanye West. Giving me the award would show Whelanpedia’s commitment to female excellence, even though my sandwich making is lackluster at best and lusterlack at worst.

What Do You Think?

In a recent tweet [editor’s note: previous “What Do You Think” resolved], President Barack Obama has asked for advice to help spice up his marriage. Your thoughts?

Fran Died, FATNOOB, Arizona: Women like men who write stuff about them. Poems are great, but Java programs are tres romantique. What woman wouldn’t love a stack underflow that returns “Error: There isn’t enough of you in my stack.”

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Lion Trainer, Kenya: He just needs to add some women-friendly music to his repertoire. No woman can say no to a man singing “Lollipop” by Mika or “Too Little, Too Late” by Jojo. Some *NSYNC may be in order too, but I’m not sure Obama has the flamboyance of JT and Co.

Zacharias Booty Besich, Swamp Person, Alabama: Women love a manly man. Nothing is more manly than a gator huntin’, beer drinkin’ Southerner. It worked for me, it worked for Colonel Sanders, it’ll work for Barack.

Wene Goon, Go-Getter, Arizona: Obama just needs to spend some money on his wife. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but once in a while a girl could use a big fucking diamond.

Ez “Badonkadonk” Ra, Turtleneck Model, New Jersey: I’ve found that women can’t resist a man with some sexy spectacles. True, I’ve got the bod and the charm to back it up, but some hip glasses would take Barack a long way.

LJW, Unemployed, Germany: Women are drawn to the intellectual. The ability to prove Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems or discuss Kant has gotten me many phone numbers. They’ve all been from men, but I’m confident Barry’s spunk could take him into the female arena.

W. “Bitch” Thoman, Televangelist, Ireland: Chivalry is dead, but the revolution lives on. How sexy is a man with a fidora? Extremely, especially if he holds the door for his lass.

Azzy “Yew” Kent, Bartender, Australia: Women dig a sensitive, caring man who will just listen. I’ll send my mate Barry a 12-pack of Foster’s, and he’ll be ‘yewwwwwing’ in no time.

Alex Wheelin’, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona: Honestly, women love a blogging man with a big time voice. Ever since I started Whelanpedia, women have thrown themselves at me. Also, my hair is fantastic, not to pander myself.

God, Deity, Everywhere: Why did Whelanpedia have to come back? Does anyone really still read this crap?

There you have it folks, ironclad advice on how to keep the ladies interested. As for yours truly, I’ve never seen a woman not be attracted to the neckbeard-ponytail combination. I guess I’ll leave such things to the professionals, though.