In a recent tweet [editor’s note: previous “What Do You Think” resolved], President Barack Obama has asked for advice to help spice up his marriage. Your thoughts?
Fran Died, FATNOOB, Arizona: Women like men who write stuff about them. Poems are great, but Java programs are tres romantique. What woman wouldn’t love a stack underflow that returns “Error: There isn’t enough of you in my stack.”
Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Lion Trainer, Kenya: He just needs to add some women-friendly music to his repertoire. No woman can say no to a man singing “Lollipop” by Mika or “Too Little, Too Late” by Jojo. Some *NSYNC may be in order too, but I’m not sure Obama has the flamboyance of JT and Co.
Zacharias Booty Besich, Swamp Person, Alabama: Women love a manly man. Nothing is more manly than a gator huntin’, beer drinkin’ Southerner. It worked for me, it worked for Colonel Sanders, it’ll work for Barack.
Wene Goon, Go-Getter, Arizona: Obama just needs to spend some money on his wife. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but once in a while a girl could use a big fucking diamond.
Ez “Badonkadonk” Ra, Turtleneck Model, New Jersey: I’ve found that women can’t resist a man with some sexy spectacles. True, I’ve got the bod and the charm to back it up, but some hip glasses would take Barack a long way.
LJW, Unemployed, Germany: Women are drawn to the intellectual. The ability to prove Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems or discuss Kant has gotten me many phone numbers. They’ve all been from men, but I’m confident Barry’s spunk could take him into the female arena.
W. “Bitch” Thoman, Televangelist, Ireland: Chivalry is dead, but the revolution lives on. How sexy is a man with a fidora? Extremely, especially if he holds the door for his lass.
Azzy “Yew” Kent, Bartender, Australia: Women dig a sensitive, caring man who will just listen. I’ll send my mate Barry a 12-pack of Foster’s, and he’ll be ‘yewwwwwing’ in no time.
Alex Wheelin’, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona: Honestly, women love a blogging man with a big time voice. Ever since I started Whelanpedia, women have thrown themselves at me. Also, my hair is fantastic, not to pander myself.
God, Deity, Everywhere: Why did Whelanpedia have to come back? Does anyone really still read this crap?
There you have it folks, ironclad advice on how to keep the ladies interested. As for yours truly, I’ve never seen a woman not be attracted to the neckbeard-ponytail combination. I guess I’ll leave such things to the professionals, though.
