NoSpaces: A Chronicle of the Best and Simultaneously Worst Religion of All Time

The NoSpaces religion had it origins back in the early 1950s. Originally authorized by President Harry Truman as a governmental assassination program, it targeted people in all parts of the world, from Northern Russia all the way to Southern Russia. However, it was soon recognized that words indeed can not hurt. Truman was shocked, and called in the help of future A-Team character Van Van Buren, who was the creator of the program and grandfather of Scott Van Buren. Van Buren soon realized, however, that the only reason words cannot hurt is that there are spaces in between them; by eliminating the spaces, Van Buren had found an effective weapon with which he could effectively destroy the world.

Internal Fragmentation

By 1952, all the top generals of the World War II era, including communist sympathizers Dougggggie MacArthur and future comic book hero Dwight Eisenhower, urged the immediate destruction of the program, arguing that their eyes hurt when they tried to read its rather lengthy Holy Gospel. However, at the urging of the now aging William Thoman, head of the Thomanarchy party, the program continued. Macarthur and Eisenhower were soon purged by Dumbass Joe MacCarthy. Rumor has it that the two morphed into one, changed their name to Yuri, and are still fighting for their revenge, just waiting to sound the Red Alert for the second time.

Cultural Acceptance?

By 1954, the United States of America was in its entirety a follower of the religion, and NoSpaces became the dominantly taught form of articulation in public schools. However, by this time, Berry J Topp, father of J Berry Topp, had sued over the issue, using the old argument that his eyes hurt, and he couldn’t program or play the Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre Alpha release of TF2. In the ground breaking ruling Topp V. Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled that NoSpaces could continue to be taught.. The ruling was short, simply consisting of “Fuck off Topp you little baaaastard.” Rumor has it that following the verdict Topp was so mildly inconvienced that he proceeded to program himself a secondary self, known to us as his son J Berry Topp, and begin his crusade to program the world to death.

Cause of World War III?

By 1979, the United States had seen great success with the NoSpaces religion. During this time, computer manufacturers had saved trillions of dollars by manufacting HUGEputer keyboards without spacebars, a feature that would have otherwise required 2323 pounds of solid lead. However by this time, many were beginning to believe that the NoSpaces religion was infringing on a women’s right to choose. Heading up this fight was Berry J Topp, who had by this time, along with his son J Berry, successfully programmed the crap out of the legendary programming group the Chicago Cubs. While the Topps did not in the least bit care about women’s rights they had a plan to reprogram the entire world to include spaces. In the landmark Supreme Court case Topps V Chicago Cubs (later known as Roe V Wade: Reloaded), the incompetent supreme court under Warren “Ham” Burger ruled that no shirts and no shoes meant no service. Discouraged by the lack of a a relevant verdict, the Topps decided to unleash their plan to reprogram the world. Little would they realize that their actions would lead to massive uprisings around the world. The Iranian Revolution followed soon after, rising from disputes from whether to spell oil in its traditional sense or use the new retro spelling o il. The U.S. sided with NoSpaces., and along with Afghanistan began to fight the newly formed nation I Ran. However, in 1980 the Soviet Union, not wanting to delete the space from their name for fear of mild eye discomfort, invaded Afghanistan, and the war was on.

World War III: The Undawning of the Age of Aquarius

By the year 1991, World War III had been raging on for more years than this reporter can count. The horrific HYDROGEN bomb had been created, literally 15 foot long letters mashed together that spell out the word hydrogen, and been used to destroy thousands of innocent grains of sand. Idiot Bush the first had completely forgotten about the War, deciding instead to focus on the remodeling of the White House’s bowling alley into a basketball court, a process that will take over 9000 years to complete, as told by famed appraiser LePope. Then the overturning of an era: On August 11, 1991 famed Nickelodeon show RugRats premiered, attracting nearly 100 billion viewers with its premiere. The World soon forgot about the war, and instead began watching RugRats all day. By this time, due to the fact that RugRats is spelled as one word, the NoSpaces religion underwent the Third Great Awakening, and by this time over 9000 people across the world converted to the seemingly outdated religion.

The Advent of the Internet and the Sad Destruction of a Famed Way of Life

By 1989, a series of cataclysmic events led to the fall of the Berlin Wall. This inadvertently exposed a series of natural fiber optic tubes. The Topps, along with famed inventor LePope and RugRats fan Al Gore, began creating something they called the tenretni, a ridiculous name chosen as a result of overexposure to tetris and asbestos.

It was soon decided by famed Collegeboard user Popepopepope that this should be changed to the internet, due to the words beginning with the letter I, short for internet. Now, long senseless articles such as those at thecucumberonion.com could be typed, and instantly read by millions of bored viewers a day. By this time, however, famed politician Levis Wolee pushed a bill through Congress, requiring spaces to be used “forever, and ever, and ever.” For years the bill lay dormant, but by 2000, the dominance of the internet in world affairs led to the bills revival. Users across the world were reporting mild eye strain, and J Berry continued his historical campaign to fight the NoSpaces religion. It is even reported that famed mathematician Al “the rod” Eichelberger even attempted suicide after J Berry Topp attempted to convert him away from the NoSpaces religion. In the landmark case Topp V Eichelberger, the Supreme Court overturned their previous decision, and ruled that NoSpaces can never be used again. It is important to note, however, that overexposure to internet fad videos such as Powerthirst, LOL internet, and the famed laughing babies left many believing that the Supreme Court was unable to make an accurate ruling. Following the case, their was an uprising on the internet, not because of NoSpaces overturning but the remark by former Lt. Col. Zlex Whelan of “Quacks.” Famed Youtube user Lepope had this to say about Whelan’s remark “What the hell does he think hes a duck or something? And even then, one duck says quack, not quacks. Why must he keep having no life by saying stupid, senseless things on the internet and continuing to ramble on when theres no real, reason to do so. He really needs to stop and think, ‘Where am I going in life’, and stop wasting his life writing insanely long posts that no one should ever read.” While I never actually read what famed YouTube user Lepope said, I’m sure he’s just as sad as the rest of us about the assign of the NoSpaces religion. Rumor has it, however that the religion still survives in remote parts of the world, and famed mathematician Al Eichelberger has joined forces with Yuri and is plotting revenge against Topp and the rest of the world.

What do you think?

The Papacy has announced that it will now require all church members to bring their own booze to Communion. Your thoughts?

William Thoman, Heretic—REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Con Artist—Can I have the leftovers? Ill send them to the Pope and maybe he’ll have me over to help drink them.

Alex Whelan, Unstable Bounty Hunter—WTF is the Papacy. SHUT UP SPIRITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Levi Wolf, Unemployed—Someone should show that Pope who’s boss. A little electroshock should do the trick.

God, Deity—I think the Church has become too cheap. Next they will want us to bring our own crosses. How can I afford that? I have like 7 billion children all ready to start college.

Natalie Liu, Fashionista—Does this mean Catholics need a new wardrobe designer? I can help with that, unless they want me to not Facebook during Mass.

Eric Van Bueno, Billionaire—Do I have to share? That would go against everything the Church is for.

Blake Nielson, Priest—I think this is a good idea. More drunk ladies will attract the younger crowd of whippersnappers.

Orville Sanchez, GTA IV character—Sweet. Sounds like a good building to hide from the cops now, enough guns, alcohol, GOD!, pews, its perfect.

Jack Jackson, Liquor Store Owner—There’s no way that I’m giving a discount for those blasphemers.

IB

Ice Blocking

OK so where the hell can I find blocks of ice? Safeway no longer carries them, so now what? I mean where did they all go? I guess it is possible that “gorebal warming” is the culprit, but if so where is all that water? Evaporation… that little bastard of a reversible process. Which Greek God is responsible for that one?? The Sun God? WTF is his deal, anyways. Just go implode you bitch.

Yes, I do want my ass to be cold while sliding down a hill. I do want to have to dive off to avoid an oncoming tree. But I can’t, thanks to you Safeway. Get yourself a pallet of block ice and gimme a call, my number is 1-800-AWHELAN. Email is zander0202@aol.com. Pager Number is 403-8060. Telegraph address 13467 Calle Viste de Colores. FUCKING get that shit.

Ask yourself, what if you wanted to ice block? We wouldn’t be Americans without our National Posttime would we? And did you know Generalisimo Johnny Boy McCain escaped out of prison camp because the guards left him a block of ice and a pair of long undies? You probably didn’t. Or did you know that George Washington himself once beat George Washington Carver in an ice block race for the rights for the middle name Racy. Or that Olympic Candidate Jon Kroc began his symbiotic birth atop his trusty steed of water. The Kingsfoil even discussed writing a song about ice blocking, but gave up when they decided theyd need a banjo. And, for the Grand Finale of ice blocking credentials, the tag team twin terminators, or TTTTs, of Eric and Scott Van Bueno eliminated fiend Colin Hairy Garand from Streetwars, an absurd teenage hoodlum game, while ice blocking and reading successive books on Maoism at the same time.

So if that isn’t cause enough for SAFEWAY! to recarry ice blocks, I don’t know what is. Tell me people, please.