IB

Ice Blocking

OK so where the hell can I find blocks of ice? Safeway no longer carries them, so now what? I mean where did they all go? I guess it is possible that “gorebal warming” is the culprit, but if so where is all that water? Evaporation… that little bastard of a reversible process. Which Greek God is responsible for that one?? The Sun God? WTF is his deal, anyways. Just go implode you bitch.

Yes, I do want my ass to be cold while sliding down a hill. I do want to have to dive off to avoid an oncoming tree. But I can’t, thanks to you Safeway. Get yourself a pallet of block ice and gimme a call, my number is 1-800-AWHELAN. Email is zander0202@aol.com. Pager Number is 403-8060. Telegraph address 13467 Calle Viste de Colores. FUCKING get that shit.

Ask yourself, what if you wanted to ice block? We wouldn’t be Americans without our National Posttime would we? And did you know Generalisimo Johnny Boy McCain escaped out of prison camp because the guards left him a block of ice and a pair of long undies? You probably didn’t. Or did you know that George Washington himself once beat George Washington Carver in an ice block race for the rights for the middle name Racy. Or that Olympic Candidate Jon Kroc began his symbiotic birth atop his trusty steed of water. The Kingsfoil even discussed writing a song about ice blocking, but gave up when they decided theyd need a banjo. And, for the Grand Finale of ice blocking credentials, the tag team twin terminators, or TTTTs, of Eric and Scott Van Bueno eliminated fiend Colin Hairy Garand from Streetwars, an absurd teenage hoodlum game, while ice blocking and reading successive books on Maoism at the same time.

So if that isn’t cause enough for SAFEWAY! to recarry ice blocks, I don’t know what is. Tell me people, please.