What do you think?

President Barack Obama has pledged to pay off the US’s estimated $11trillion debt by merely “playing a shit-ton of Rock Band on Expert” and using the money his band makes virtually to pay off the debt. Your Thoughts?

Garbara Bray, Economist, Arizona: “Preposterous. The President, like the general population, merely needs to understand that the most cost-effective way of doing anything is by forcing the marginal cost to approach 0. This can be best accomplished by mass producing products of high utility to most [editor’s suggestion: Disney Animal Crackers] and simply extorting China into buying them.”

Zachary Mark Beauregard Besich, Crane Operator, Outta this World: “My suggestion, subsidize a world-wide free trial of World of Warcraft. This is what would happen: people would forget about real money, thus transferring the Worldwide Currency System to the “Gold” Standard of WoW, making me quite happy, even if William Jennings Bryan would hiss in his grave.”

Lauren Van Bueno, Student, Texas:“I love Rock Band. I just hope eminent domain doesn’t apply to Band names; I’m sure the President has his eye on my band name: 'Barack and the Husseins.’”

Ezro Spira, Senior Prosecutor, Arizona: “ We got this guy to plead to Murder 2. Im sure with a little evidence tampering China can be convinced into admitting we have paid all of our debt. Else I might have to go medieval on their heiney.”

John J. Johnson, My Sim, LOLville: “Thank god I’ve only got between 2 and 4 SimDays to live, as an International Super Spy, I wouldn’t want to have to clean up the President’s messes. Plus, what is this ‘Rock Band,’ and is it ‘Social’ or ‘Fun’?”

Levi Wofl, Famed Talking Point Person, Germany: “I don’t think ‘Rock Band’ is really the best way to fix our debt. We really should just use Ro-Sham-Bo or something sophisticated like that. That’s how it’s done in the Senate. And on the Street.”

Wolfgang, Unknown, California: “Rock Band is like macaroni and cheese. After a while, its just not so great. I think we should churn out USA hats and just go crazy. Plus, we all know the President won’t be able to play Expert, he just doesn’t have the hairdo required. (I can be used as a model for the perfect Rocker hair style.)”

As for this editor, I think we should just add a zero to all of our currency. Since no one would notice, inflation would be of no consequence. As my favorite twin once said, “ I’m just gonna go get an apple. I’m sure the market will sort out the rest.”

What do you think?

In a recent press statement, President Barack Obama stated he will either be getting a Facebook or a Twitter, depending on the vote of the people. Opinions?

David D. Davidson, Elevator Operator, Nebraska- “Facebook. Enough has already been placed upon this country with a puppy in the White House. Change has already come to America, a Tweeter for a President would just be too much.”

Alex Whelan, Whelanpedia Senior Editor, Arizona- “Twitter. Its ridiculous to presume that there would actually be a legitimate profile for anyone on Facebook, other than Michael Phelps’ that is. Plus, if the world knew we were led by a Twittering President, it might forget we have a Teetering debt. I don't wanna be that guy, but that was quite the pun.”

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Pizza Chef, Arizona- “Facebook. I know I would add Barack to my top friends. Its also harder for me to zealously stalk on Twitter, and I can’t not know what the President is up to.”

Admiral Ackbar, Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance Fleet, A Galaxy Far Far Away- “Facebook. Twitter’s servers can’t repel spam of enough magnitude. It’s a trap!! The Empire is attempting to reveal the location of our hidden rebel base.”

Levi Thoman Wolf, Unempoyed, Germany “Twitter. If you think about it, the President won’t use Gitmo for torture anymore, so why would use Facebook to coerce the expanding middle class into bilateral submission. Plus Twitter is so much more ballin’ than that Facebook shit.”

God, Deity, Everywhere- “Twitter. If I have to be everywhere at once, I should at least get updates from Mr Obama’s Blackberry, which I think he will be getting back in an odd, unpredictable twist of fate.”

Sasha Obama, Princess of the United States, Washington D.C.- “Facebook. I don’t want my daddy seeing me flirting with the Prince of Wales on Twitter. Plus I don’t think he ever does anything interesting enough to be published on Twitter.”

Jonathon Kroc, Living Statue, Amsterdam-“Why the fuck would the President get either? I mean like, he should just get a Xanga like true White-Collar Illinoisians.”

Arnold Palmer, Drink Experimenter Extraordinaire, Pennsylvania, “Twitter. My reccomendation, as a pro golfer turned drink marketer, is to remember that Facebook is unaccesible on the golf course, while Golfer Tweeters are just as popular as my drink. Which I recommend to all who read this.”

That’s 4 to 4. We need your feedback to tilt the scales, or else the President may just turn to a morning talk news radio show in lieu of his foreign agenda.

Responses:

Emily Besich, Pro Gamer, Alabama- "Ok, NO. The president should just get a WoW account like everyone else, join my guild, and let history take the wheel. Facebook and Twitter are so boring, they beg the question: 'To Taste Time or to Lick Life?'"

Troy Muffin-Puffin, Cell Phone Photographer, Arizona- "Honestly, as the only commentor for this article, I feel that the president should get a Facebook account. Twitter would take up too much of his time as he must take a few seconds to update constantly. A facebook is much more relaxed.

Thats a 5-4 Facebook lead, maybe there is hope for the World.[of Warcraft]

Cast of popular MTV reality show "University High" moves on after four years of intense ups and downs

Its finally here-the triumphant yet overwhelmingly sad end to one of the greatest reality television shows MTV has ever put upon its airwaves. The live series finale, set to air on May 21st at 7 p.m., details the graduation and swan song for the cast of the tween sensation "University High School". For those of you who have lived under a rock for the last four years, "University High School" focuses on the real-life high school students Alex Whelan, Eric Van Bueno and twin Scott Van Bueno, as they grow and deal with situations that over the last four years have involved the tv show 24, girls, ice blocking, and who could forget the wacky summer spin off series "Whelanpedia" in which the three of them created a fake online encyclopedia. As the cast has both grown and dwindled over the last four years, the show has always maintained a certain level of realistic yet heartfelt integrity, the kind that could only come from following three intelligent and hilarious teenagers around through their adolescence. We've seen heartbreak, we've seen embrace, we've seen old friends go their own way, we've seen new friends become fan favorites by the audience of approximately 1,000,000 people per episode have tuned into each week, and now with the three musketeers finally graduating, we hope it will be a fitting yet powerful end.

Star Alex Whelan came by to spill the beans about what you might see when you tune in on May 21st and about what might become of the cast of "UHS: Senior Year", the latest and final saga of this chapter of these young men's lives. 

"We hope that it will depict the real life hardships of graduation, unlike that bullshit High School Music thing" says Whelan, 18, a lifelong Disney Channel Original Movie hater. "You'll get the scoop on everyone from Laura (Van Bueno, graduated sister of Eric and Scott who had a regular appearance throughout the years) to maybe an old friend thought lost (Editor's Note: perhaps fan favorite/genius dropout Kevin High? Stay tuned!). But one thing's for sure: we won't lose the spirit of the show. The show has always been about depicting our lives as realistically as possible and with as many true-to-life friends and characters as possible."

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Highlights include:

-Eric and Scott prepare for a road up to Tempe, AZ, to attend Arizona State University. Are they ready to face the challenges of living so close to Cardinals Stadium yet still having so much work to do? Are they far too busy and important to care about work? (Spoiler: Yes)

-Alex suits up to move across town to the University of Arizona Yuma dorm to room with fan-favorite Jon Kroc, self-described "Kramer" of UHS, but is he ready to take his music career to the next level with bandmates Levi Wolf and Taylor Brady leaving Tucson? (Editor's Note: Whelan mentioned something about Thomas Shipley being involved with the much-rumored next season of UHS, to feature this year's juniors and seniors, which suggests a "Kingsfoil Reunion Special" could occur on the show next season)

-Levi has always wanted to be Oliver Wendell Holmes, but does he have the lulz and the courage to make the ultimate transformation to Courage Wolf? When Levi stopped by the studio for a quick chat before his concert in Germany between his piano lessons and Site Council meeting and picking up his brother Atticus, fan-favorite, he had this to say about if he has any worries about his future: "Lol nah, has anyone really ever been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

-Zach Besich has never wanted anything more than to be loved and respected by his sister Emily, but now as the fall semester at the U of A looms, can he work his way into her heart as they room together? (Editor's note: Zach and Emily Besich have already been signed to their own "The Osbourne's"-style show appropriately titled "The Besichs" which is said to focus heavily on the dynamic between brother-sister combo Zach and Emily and their relationship with up-and coming little brother Matthew Anthony Ezekiel Jones. "The Besichs is set to premiere on September 5th on BET)

-Taylor Brady brought a real air of tragedy to the show this past March when he was knifed in an off-camera hiking accident that nearly led to a rift between the rest of the members of the show, but now that he is set to attend Stanford, can he overcome his crippling accident and regain his confidence from a level of near-vanishment?

-Allie Cole has been a part of "UHS" from the beginning, and has steadily moved up to being a full-time cast member due to her trademark "LEEEVI" and quick-witted sarcasm that surrounded Levi and Scott in their English class this season, but is she ready to accept that she will never be a true Van Bueno like Alex? (Spoiler: Probably not)

-William "Thoman"/"Jojo"/"Oxox"/"Thurman" Thoman, the token-yet-infinitely-dynamic-anarchist-but-actually-communist has always been thought of as "adorable" and "priceless", but can he live with the idea that Ireland is not the dominant force of world culture, much less American culture? (If you like Thoman on "UHS", be sure to check out the exclusively online web-series "Good Ol' Boys with Shillelaghs", the 5 part mini-series comprised of Alex and Thoman beating people with their traditional Irish walking sticks)

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  Yes, it truly is the end of an era, with some of the best moments from the entire run of "UHS" coming this season at the hands of such unforgettable characters as Parker "Porker" Dunbar and Dave "Massah" Herring, and classic one-liners from perennial mainstays Gene Woon and Leiba Schuneman, responsible for the much-acclaimed "Phi and the Pie" episode of late last winter which detailed the climax of the multi-episodic arc about Schuneman and UHS senior Phi Tran as they battled amongst each other for control of the classroom. Lines from the show such as fan-favorite Bryan Topp's trademark "FUHHH" (who is single-handedly credited with reviving the popularity of the Quake Video Game series through his exposure of it on the show) have become pop-culture staples. Yes, "UHS" has had a good run, with the third season (See: "UHS:Junior Year) that dealt with girlfriends and the troubles of growing up even winning an Emmy for "Best Television Series, Bar None". But it may not be over quite yet, as explained by Alex in the second part of his classy yet laid-back interview with us.

Whelanpedia: "I don't want to be that guy, Alex, but your hair looks fantastic"

Alex Whelan: "Its alright, I get that alot. Trust me. *laughs out loud*"

WP: "So we hear there may spin-offs? Another season, perhaps, with some of the non-seniors this year?"

AW: "Haha, well, there's the rumors...and I'm not going to lie, many of them are true. I mean Zach is doing his show in the fall, and we've talked about being friends next year a couple times, so I think its safe to say I'll be in on that to an extent (Editor's Note: "The Besichs", premiering September 5th on BET). And I mean, Levi's already been signed to a multi-book deal, so in a way that will continue the mystique of the show for fans of Wofl (Editor's Note: Levi's highschool nickname)...

WP: "And what about characters like Ezra Spiro, Colin Garand, Thomas Shipley, even the now-infamous Scott Boling (Editor's Note: This is of course referring to the much-publicized schizophrenic breakdown Sophomore Scott Boling had months ago on the show regarding the psychological torture he endured at the hands of his split personality, imaginary twin brother "Eric David Boling")? Will the fans of these guys just have to leave empty-handed?"

AW: "There have been talks...all of the people you've just mentioned have been contacted one way or another by MTV about continuing "UHS", as a sort of tribute to Eric, Scott, and myself, you know...to keep the show going, keep it alive. For us. I can't say for sure if there will be another season or not, but I assure you that if there is to be another season, I'd sure as hell watch it!"

*Watch the Series Finale of "University High School" premieres at 7 Pacific Standard Time on MTV*

NoSpaces: A Chronicle of the Best and Simultaneously Worst Religion of All Time

The NoSpaces religion had it origins back in the early 1950s. Originally authorized by President Harry Truman as a governmental assassination program, it targeted people in all parts of the world, from Northern Russia all the way to Southern Russia. However, it was soon recognized that words indeed can not hurt. Truman was shocked, and called in the help of future A-Team character Van Van Buren, who was the creator of the program and grandfather of Scott Van Buren. Van Buren soon realized, however, that the only reason words cannot hurt is that there are spaces in between them; by eliminating the spaces, Van Buren had found an effective weapon with which he could effectively destroy the world.

Internal Fragmentation

By 1952, all the top generals of the World War II era, including communist sympathizers Dougggggie MacArthur and future comic book hero Dwight Eisenhower, urged the immediate destruction of the program, arguing that their eyes hurt when they tried to read its rather lengthy Holy Gospel. However, at the urging of the now aging William Thoman, head of the Thomanarchy party, the program continued. Macarthur and Eisenhower were soon purged by Dumbass Joe MacCarthy. Rumor has it that the two morphed into one, changed their name to Yuri, and are still fighting for their revenge, just waiting to sound the Red Alert for the second time.

Cultural Acceptance?

By 1954, the United States of America was in its entirety a follower of the religion, and NoSpaces became the dominantly taught form of articulation in public schools. However, by this time, Berry J Topp, father of J Berry Topp, had sued over the issue, using the old argument that his eyes hurt, and he couldn’t program or play the Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre Alpha release of TF2. In the ground breaking ruling Topp V. Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled that NoSpaces could continue to be taught.. The ruling was short, simply consisting of “Fuck off Topp you little baaaastard.” Rumor has it that following the verdict Topp was so mildly inconvienced that he proceeded to program himself a secondary self, known to us as his son J Berry Topp, and begin his crusade to program the world to death.

Cause of World War III?

By 1979, the United States had seen great success with the NoSpaces religion. During this time, computer manufacturers had saved trillions of dollars by manufacting HUGEputer keyboards without spacebars, a feature that would have otherwise required 2323 pounds of solid lead. However by this time, many were beginning to believe that the NoSpaces religion was infringing on a women’s right to choose. Heading up this fight was Berry J Topp, who had by this time, along with his son J Berry, successfully programmed the crap out of the legendary programming group the Chicago Cubs. While the Topps did not in the least bit care about women’s rights they had a plan to reprogram the entire world to include spaces. In the landmark Supreme Court case Topps V Chicago Cubs (later known as Roe V Wade: Reloaded), the incompetent supreme court under Warren “Ham” Burger ruled that no shirts and no shoes meant no service. Discouraged by the lack of a a relevant verdict, the Topps decided to unleash their plan to reprogram the world. Little would they realize that their actions would lead to massive uprisings around the world. The Iranian Revolution followed soon after, rising from disputes from whether to spell oil in its traditional sense or use the new retro spelling o il. The U.S. sided with NoSpaces., and along with Afghanistan began to fight the newly formed nation I Ran. However, in 1980 the Soviet Union, not wanting to delete the space from their name for fear of mild eye discomfort, invaded Afghanistan, and the war was on.

World War III: The Undawning of the Age of Aquarius

By the year 1991, World War III had been raging on for more years than this reporter can count. The horrific HYDROGEN bomb had been created, literally 15 foot long letters mashed together that spell out the word hydrogen, and been used to destroy thousands of innocent grains of sand. Idiot Bush the first had completely forgotten about the War, deciding instead to focus on the remodeling of the White House’s bowling alley into a basketball court, a process that will take over 9000 years to complete, as told by famed appraiser LePope. Then the overturning of an era: On August 11, 1991 famed Nickelodeon show RugRats premiered, attracting nearly 100 billion viewers with its premiere. The World soon forgot about the war, and instead began watching RugRats all day. By this time, due to the fact that RugRats is spelled as one word, the NoSpaces religion underwent the Third Great Awakening, and by this time over 9000 people across the world converted to the seemingly outdated religion.

The Advent of the Internet and the Sad Destruction of a Famed Way of Life

By 1989, a series of cataclysmic events led to the fall of the Berlin Wall. This inadvertently exposed a series of natural fiber optic tubes. The Topps, along with famed inventor LePope and RugRats fan Al Gore, began creating something they called the tenretni, a ridiculous name chosen as a result of overexposure to tetris and asbestos.

It was soon decided by famed Collegeboard user Popepopepope that this should be changed to the internet, due to the words beginning with the letter I, short for internet. Now, long senseless articles such as those at thecucumberonion.com could be typed, and instantly read by millions of bored viewers a day. By this time, however, famed politician Levis Wolee pushed a bill through Congress, requiring spaces to be used “forever, and ever, and ever.” For years the bill lay dormant, but by 2000, the dominance of the internet in world affairs led to the bills revival. Users across the world were reporting mild eye strain, and J Berry continued his historical campaign to fight the NoSpaces religion. It is even reported that famed mathematician Al “the rod” Eichelberger even attempted suicide after J Berry Topp attempted to convert him away from the NoSpaces religion. In the landmark case Topp V Eichelberger, the Supreme Court overturned their previous decision, and ruled that NoSpaces can never be used again. It is important to note, however, that overexposure to internet fad videos such as Powerthirst, LOL internet, and the famed laughing babies left many believing that the Supreme Court was unable to make an accurate ruling. Following the case, their was an uprising on the internet, not because of NoSpaces overturning but the remark by former Lt. Col. Zlex Whelan of “Quacks.” Famed Youtube user Lepope had this to say about Whelan’s remark “What the hell does he think hes a duck or something? And even then, one duck says quack, not quacks. Why must he keep having no life by saying stupid, senseless things on the internet and continuing to ramble on when theres no real, reason to do so. He really needs to stop and think, ‘Where am I going in life’, and stop wasting his life writing insanely long posts that no one should ever read.” While I never actually read what famed YouTube user Lepope said, I’m sure he’s just as sad as the rest of us about the assign of the NoSpaces religion. Rumor has it, however that the religion still survives in remote parts of the world, and famed mathematician Al Eichelberger has joined forces with Yuri and is plotting revenge against Topp and the rest of the world.

What do you think?

The Papacy has announced that it will now require all church members to bring their own booze to Communion. Your thoughts?

William Thoman, Heretic—REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott “Scooby” Van Bueno, Con Artist—Can I have the leftovers? Ill send them to the Pope and maybe he’ll have me over to help drink them.

Alex Whelan, Unstable Bounty Hunter—WTF is the Papacy. SHUT UP SPIRITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Levi Wolf, Unemployed—Someone should show that Pope who’s boss. A little electroshock should do the trick.

God, Deity—I think the Church has become too cheap. Next they will want us to bring our own crosses. How can I afford that? I have like 7 billion children all ready to start college.

Natalie Liu, Fashionista—Does this mean Catholics need a new wardrobe designer? I can help with that, unless they want me to not Facebook during Mass.

Eric Van Bueno, Billionaire—Do I have to share? That would go against everything the Church is for.

Blake Nielson, Priest—I think this is a good idea. More drunk ladies will attract the younger crowd of whippersnappers.

Orville Sanchez, GTA IV character—Sweet. Sounds like a good building to hide from the cops now, enough guns, alcohol, GOD!, pews, its perfect.

Jack Jackson, Liquor Store Owner—There’s no way that I’m giving a discount for those blasphemers.

IB

Ice Blocking

OK so where the hell can I find blocks of ice? Safeway no longer carries them, so now what? I mean where did they all go? I guess it is possible that “gorebal warming” is the culprit, but if so where is all that water? Evaporation… that little bastard of a reversible process. Which Greek God is responsible for that one?? The Sun God? WTF is his deal, anyways. Just go implode you bitch.

Yes, I do want my ass to be cold while sliding down a hill. I do want to have to dive off to avoid an oncoming tree. But I can’t, thanks to you Safeway. Get yourself a pallet of block ice and gimme a call, my number is 1-800-AWHELAN. Email is zander0202@aol.com. Pager Number is 403-8060. Telegraph address 13467 Calle Viste de Colores. FUCKING get that shit.

Ask yourself, what if you wanted to ice block? We wouldn’t be Americans without our National Posttime would we? And did you know Generalisimo Johnny Boy McCain escaped out of prison camp because the guards left him a block of ice and a pair of long undies? You probably didn’t. Or did you know that George Washington himself once beat George Washington Carver in an ice block race for the rights for the middle name Racy. Or that Olympic Candidate Jon Kroc began his symbiotic birth atop his trusty steed of water. The Kingsfoil even discussed writing a song about ice blocking, but gave up when they decided theyd need a banjo. And, for the Grand Finale of ice blocking credentials, the tag team twin terminators, or TTTTs, of Eric and Scott Van Bueno eliminated fiend Colin Hairy Garand from Streetwars, an absurd teenage hoodlum game, while ice blocking and reading successive books on Maoism at the same time.

So if that isn’t cause enough for SAFEWAY! to recarry ice blocks, I don’t know what is. Tell me people, please.

What a Bitch.

== Music Moguls Materialized ==

It seems that true Twelfth Imam of music has returned. Two-time potty trainer Al “Lil Rod/ Big Mac” Whelan-Eichelberger has indeed become the reincarnation of John Lennon, as along with Levi “Big Mamma/anti-BAB” Wolf and Taylor “Big Flirt/ Day Laborer” Bra[n]dy, he has released a billboard-shattering single “Survivor The Creek.” The song is number 1 in every country except France; here protests over the songs use cymbals AND drums has sparked street protests of over 200,000 activity-less French. The band has already promised more hits in the album “Don’t be a bitch.”

There are numerous rumors circulating that the band might have a three-way-some with The B Sharps of Tony Blair and the Blacks Only of P.F. McAndrew. Such a reunion would involve time travel and thus this reporter does not believe it is feasible in their fifteen minutes of fame—which actually ended several hours ago. We can only hope though, we can only hope.

Vocals for the song were done almost entirely by Whelan. His risqué style of singing [what is to this reporter merely his strange voice] has won him appraise by all of Hollywood’s most famous: “Lil Rod just might become a rich, corporation-used rod like me” said undisputed king of rock William Clinton-Lewinsky. As for Wolf: “Affirmative action is an effort to develop a systematic approach to open the doors of the music world.” And finally, for Brady: “He plays drums as well as he humps tables. And me. [chuckles].”

Neither the band Survivor nor the Colorado Association of Creek Administration (CACA) responded to harassment from Whelanpedia.